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Saturday, November 12, 2011

An open letter to the powers that be..

The below letter is addressed to my ex team-lead, who stayed with Bankam for less than 4 months and yet, made many of us laugh.
I remain a fan of the company which fed me for three years. No, that was not sarcasm.

Sir, firstly, for the whole length of this article, I'll address your highness as 'Sir', precisely for the one fact quoted by you over and again: You have over 20 years of IT experience behind you.
Which tells me, had you been active in the child making business a little earlier than you started being, your first kid would have been as old as I am. I can now hear you thanking God that you dont have a son like me.
However, that discussion is entirely out of context.
Without much delay, I'd like to narrate my experience of the last few days in office, which Arthur Conal Doyle, given a chance, would certainly describe as 'the most singular and intriguing'. Wodehouse (if he doesnt turn in his grave) would have made a million jokes out of it. Arundhati Roy would have found some reason in it to blame the UPA government.
I, very much a lesser literary man, choose to be content with this open letter.

To the clueless -I am talking about Mr.Dike Mubno's visit to India, and his walk on our production floor. ( Dike is a big guy in the bank - one of those they send for an annual inspection of the India offices)
You had sent us a mail announcing his arrival. On reading it, one of my collegues remarked before the team that at every single chance, you make a fool of yourself so well. This was followed by roars of laughter, mostly his own.
But you know very well that I dont subscribe to his theory. I am convinced that you, being a self motivated person, never wait for opportunities, you just create them.

Forgive me, Sir, once again for straying out of context.I have a penchant for these little details and often miss making a point. Perhaps, I should take a lesson in 'effective communication skills' from you.

Getting back to our story, I should say that I under-estimated the arrival of Dike Mubno.
Yes, you asked us to reach office by 9 am.
Yes, You had your report personally come down and ask me to be in office on time and in formals.(He also gave a fleeting glance at my sneakers and Jeans.)
Yes, you mentioned that we should be keeping our mobiles on silent mode throughout Mr Mubno's walk on our floor.
Yes, you made it very clear that we be surfing strictly educational material on the web, and that our desks be uncluttered, for a change.

But since you'd been saying the same thing for over 3 months, I chose to call this 'Old school thinking', and dismissed the matter without much delay.



Now, to any lesser mortal, all this might seem to be a very bad idea.They may ask- "Why does the floor-walk have to be at 9.30?Come on, Its just a walk, He can come around by 11, when everybody is in office. Why should some 2000 odd employeesbe asked to accomodate his timings, which look flexible?"But sir, knowing you and your ways, I would never make that mistake.

Then I spoke to my manager on the possible repurcussions of me reaching office late, and in attire of mypersonal choice. I also mentioned that if all rules were followed, he wouldnt be watching 'Sheila ki jawani' in office - intented partly as a joke, partly as childish blackmail. Do you know what he told me then? I am forced to quote him here:
"You are making your year-end evaluation very easy for me"

You might be tempted to ask me- "what Ya? why are you making a fuss?"
Allow me to continue, Sir.
  • When I skipped my breakfast next day and reached office at 9, I found all my team mates standing up and clapping hands.Now I am not somebody they get to see that early in the day, but the excitement was somewhat overstated.
  • I went over to my friend's desk, only to see him shout -"Look, Murali's wearing shoes today!!". (It is my strong belief in methods of non-violence that prevented me from slapping him.)
  • Inside the elevator,people were asking me if I was wearing a new shirt, or what brand it was. To deny them a chance for further conversation,I just fished inside my pockets for my mobile,feigning a call.
  • Another insult was inflicted when somebody came over and stared for a full two minutes. To save myself, I had to joke-" Today is the day you get to see me in formals!!".

Do you care Sir, for a moment that I have a reputation of my own, and that I am trying hard to appear cool in office? All these ironed shirts and polished shoes don't go well with my image.
Inspite of all this humiliation, I decided to stay on.

At this point, I would like to say that I noticed several changes in office.
In the washroom, several men were busy adjusting their shirts or doing their hair. (The last time I saw such a huge number of guys looking at themselves in the mirror was the brief period when Ms.Mahija taught 'Operating Systems' at college)
All security guards bore a smile on their face.Usually they give a smirk. I couldnt help noticing that the security ladies on our floor were the most pretty ones of the lot. Did you hand-pick them to greet Mr Mubno? He had plans to visit two floors. Given the lack of beautiful women in the security staff, would you ask the same pretty ladies to rush up the stairs while he takes the lift, and welcome him on the next floor too? You and your attention to detail, Sir! After this observation, I wasnt too surprised to see the HR girls with an extra tone of make-up, some with that glossy lipstick, others in that sexy hair-do. I also recall the sudden crowd at the gym last week. Did you actually ask some of them to shed some fat for the day? (But sir, I am not too sure if you thought about this - 'What if he doesnt like women? For all we know,he could be gay!!'.)
Last month, as you might recall, when Ms.Batie Cessant visited us, It was even more posh. a private jet to fly her down,a helicopter to take her to the 5 star hotel,( i know this coincided with the repair of the hitech city road. you didntwant her to notice that Hyderabad traffic can get messy at times, did you? ) 3 BMW SUVs with the same number-plates, just in case she was in a Dubai sheikh mood. Office buildings were painted with Berger weathercoats togive that glossy feel, yet avoid the stench of paint. On that fateful day of her visit,I found two guys standing across elevator boxes and holding them up for her. Now, yes, we dont have OTIS ones, our elevators are clearly made by some chinese black marketer, and they are very slow. I figured that she was on her way,and when her BMW crossed the gate, the man at the checkpoint would wireless the guys at the lift room,and then they would disappear just in time for her to miss them. When she walks inside, she wouldnt have to wait, and grandest of all,she wouldnt even know about the hours of planning that went behind it. She would just say -"blimey!!, what fast elevators!! I wish we had them in Europe" What an Idea Sirji!!

10 minutes into work, I knew that you had planned it so well. the air-conditioners were left at freezing temperatures.When out of my stupidity, I called the facilities guy up, he coolly told me that Ms. Cessant was used to such temperatures and would sweat in anything above 20 degrees. I tried my best to convince him that she not referring to the celsius scale, but to some obscure European one. No, he didnt listen. 200 odd engineers, and some of them excellant java coders,stood freezing in their seats that day.

Alarmingly, I found that our washrooms were renovated - yes, the gents one too. This is where it got a little crazy for me- was she expected to use our restroom? But, like you said, I will focus on the positives. We got new toilet seats.

Now I do hear you telling me that this happens everywhere. 'You have to please your seniors. Their impression matters a lot.' You might also add-'You have a lot to learn, when you are in my position, you'll know'. Now sir, I am not saying that I'll never suck up to my boss.

I'll never make a celebration of sucking up.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

IIM Calcutta Student supports suicide!!!!

Have I caught your attention ?


A few pointers:
1. Pardon me for the search engine optimised title and curse the cameraman for the poor video quality.
2. The following is a speech I made to my batch as part of our Managerial Communication course. As far as the course handout goes, it is supposed to fall under the 'persuasive' category.
3. A lot of ppl seemed to like it, which is why I am sharing it now. I pray more of you find it good.
4. I dont expect anybody to commit suicide after listening to me. In the event of such a catastrophe,
I'll surely be  a)stunned
                     b)proud and
                     c)sad 
5. If the event mentioned in (4) happens, this will act as my legal disclaimer.
6. 5 looked like a bad number, so.


Hi, good morning.

I hate saying this on Camera: Immedietely after this lecture, you should all jump into the lake outside and end your lives.

Now, I say this with the firm conviction that there is no point living. Sages have said that life is full of joys and sorrows.  One clever look at this statement proves that all pleasure we get out of life will be cancelled out by sadness at some later point. So, finally if we get nothing, what is the point in continuing to live?
Some of you may disagree with me; you might want to tell me that we all look forward to our future. From mens' perspective, when we say future, we mean
a) money
b) female company.

According to Prof. Johny Roddick of School of Middlesex, since every girl has close to 100 fans, when she falls for a guy, she brings a lot of happiness into his life, inflicting sorrow on the 99 others. By this statistic, each guy has 99 heartbreaks for each success. Now this, clearly is not a good proposition, and  certainly not something to look forward to.

As for money, I neednt tell you how money is not created, but merely transferred. For every penny you make, there is somebody who loses it. The law of averages will finally catch up with you, like it did with Harbhajan Singh and Gautam Gambhir, although in a different context. Life, as we know it, is a zero sum game. So, if you have led a happy life so far, this is the right time to end it. The risks involved in continuing are way too high. Like Sir Issac Newton said, "I call it gravity, but the truth is, earth sucks".

Why did the mallu sledge? simmbly..
We have been taught that only cowards commit suicide. Needless to tell you, this statement has a lot of historical inaccuracies. Socrates, Kurt Cobain, Adolf Hitler and fairly recently, Master Oogway of Kungfu Panda - Mind you, these were all very brave men....or animals for that matter. Suicide, in fact requires a lot of courage. Any suggestion to the contrary is a clever ploy by the multinationals who want to keep us alive and sell their products. Apple computers, Microsoft, Adult Friend Finder - to name a few.

I now see many surprised faces in the audience. Some of you are even smiling. I understand that my ideas havent really sunk in. But, let me tell you, the last time i delivered this speech, at the University of Maddington, people were a lot more accomodating. Two hours into my lecture, a fine lady jumped out of the window. Three others interpreted my words in an alternate fashion, and tried to kill me.

How long do I have to wait? sob...
I can now connect with you because I was once just like you. I remember the day when my ex girlfriend told me that I should kill myself. I sat wondering for a while, but finally came to my senses, and here I am.

My lecture cannot be complete without acknowledging the work of a modern day proponent of this theory - Mr ShantaKumaran Sreeshanth, who once tried very hard to get killed by the likes of Mathew Hayden and Andrew Symonds. The kid has some taste, I must say.

To conclude, I quote the immortal words of Metallica: Die, Die, My darling, Die.




Monday, September 19, 2011

Things people do to get into a literary club...

              Guys, my first post from IIM Calcutta. The faculty here tries their best to educate me,but my routine makes sure that I see less of them. Below is the article  I was made to write to be granted entry into Persona, the lit club of IIMC. The topic 'MBA:so far,so good' got a little too random for me.
A lot might seem out of place, but blame it on the guy who invented re-usability.
              On another note, my posts tend to get too autobiographical at times.This one begs to differ, although the first-person speech might tempt you into thinking otherwise.



Hi Persona team,

First of all, I will be an asset to your club because I have very good literary skills. Except in 4th standard, I have topped my batch in all English papers. ( I mention 4th std because I was then the victim of some dirty politics played by Janaki ma'm and Avinash, her pet.) Other than that, I am a Gold Medalist from NIT Calicut. I am also very organized, and have never faced any difficulty in meeting deadlines. I maintain a very detailed timetable for my activities, and anybody who has come to my hostel room has seen it.
Nobody has come till now, but if anybody comes, he/she will see it.
Dorks rule!!


'MBA: So Good So Far' is a very ambiguous statement. I am now going to use my creativity to tackle the topic. MBA is said to be about networking. But in the first week at Joka, my net was not working (ROFL!!).
If you have stopped laughing, let me continue. If not, you can take more time.

I like the lectures, but a lot of underachievers dont seem to like me. They make random noises every time I post a question to the Prof. Last night after the fresher party, somebody peed on my door. I have collected a sample, and will use DNA matching to find the bastard. I am not sure how I can do that, but I'll figure that out later.

I also hate Arun, who avoids me because I am not an IITian. My midterm grades will speak to him.
Nobody knows that I did bad in the IITJEE on purpose. I still hate the IITs.
One exception to all this is Lakshmi Cholamandalam who sat next to me in the 4th CFR session. Despite her embarrassing second name, I think she will be my first girlfriend; and we'll get married in 2015. I've been trying to find her ever since that lecture.

Thanks.

PS: I know some guys who are applying to Persona just to boost their CV. As a responsible future member of the society, I can reveal their names if you want.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

of crocodiles, fart-rooms and the like

People who watched last night's Pune Vs KingsXI IPL match evidently missed a lot on Zee Cinema.

Shashi Kapoor(SK) and Shatrugnan Sinha(SS) fight a foreigner thug each(oh wait..they are just UP bhaiyyas in blonde Wigs and a lot of cuticura) with their bhabhi strapped to a curiously designed chair. Its a marvellous piece of furniture you know, that comes with a wirefree bomb, which waits to be activated-and thus fulfill its destiny-with the touch of a button by the tech-savvy villian, Shakaal.

Bhabhi's white sari betrays her relationship status.Evidently,the people involved are avenging the death of her husband.The hall, meanwhile, is getting filled with 'zehreela gas', as Shakaal puts it.

Shakaal, as a matter of fact, is known for his standards of personal grooming. Clean shaven face, skinhead,neatly done eyebrows and all.If there was any indian male doing his eyebrows in the 80's,that was Shakaal.Waxed hands? No,Cant be sure-He wore long-sleeves that day.

While the blonde wig waale bhaiyyas engage SK and SS, Amitabh Bhachan(AB) is set to perform the most daring feat of them all- fight a crocodile in the underground pool which is specially designed for such purposes. Second by second, the croc gets humiliated as AB plays such games as 'I have my hands around your mouth and you cant open it' and 'I've caught your tail buddy, and I'm twisting it'.  All 3 of SS,SK and AB fully immersed in their activities, leave Shakaal and bhabhi in the company of each other. Now, since bhabhi with her age and uni dimensional fashion sense is clearly a turn-off, a rape can be ruled out. On top of it, Shakaal appears gay. He is caught throwing glances as SK's shirt gets wet from the fight.
Finally, all is well - the thugs black out, Croco gets killed by accident, and Shakaal gets shot, the last two in acts of rage by AB( he's called the angry young man for nothing, you see). SS and SK, the real sidekicks get a share too. They aim for Shakaal's hands and shoulders, maiming him as AB gets his look in, and produces a straight shot, which any doctor would agree, damaged the left ventricle beyond repair.

Now all 4 pray peacefully for Shakaal's impending death, while he crawls slowly and touches something metallic.
Is it a gun?
Is it a bomb?
No, its the fucking self-destruction button, you idiots!

Dust falling from the roof and an earthquake like shake tell AB(the most intelligent of the lot) that its the time in Hindi movies for the party to make a quick escape. As they run away, the Bhabhi does her part, crying out loud as boulders continue to land inches from her feet.At the door that parts sideways with the turn of a valve, they finally meet the leading ladies in gypsy costume.Both fresh from getting rid of Shakaal's cohorts through the customary 'We'll-not-show-much-skin,and-no-bodytouchings-please' brand of cabaret dance. AB and SK hug their ladies; proximity of the bhabhi prevents further display of affection.
They all fly away, with AB manning a helicopter within a few seconds of first seeing it. Below them, Shakaal's dungeon breathes its last before turning into a ball of fire.

The End.

I once prayed for the bloody Doordarshan guys to play 'Shaan' again soon, because I had my exams and was not allowed to complete it the last time. AB and SK flying a helicopter was way too cool back then.15 years back.
Before the Sylvester stallones and Angelina Jolies came home though StarMovies and corrputed me
for life.
Guess who's a fan of Shakaal!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

how Hyderabad will be missed -life on 3 wheels

As I'm all set to leave this city, it'll be a crime not remembering the very people who, over the past two years have polished my negotiation skills - the rikshaw drivers of Hyderabad.

As a tribute, I'll now be sharing my copyrighted algorithm for bargaining on the auto fare.

1. Walk up to the first guy ( they mostly park their vehicles in a queue), tell him where you wanna go.(Bowenpally, for instance) He may confuse you with questions like "Bowenpally mein kahaan?". Ignore him, and just ask for the fare. One trick I have mastered is to do it in secunderabad lingo.
So, instead of "Fare kitna hoga?"( which is so HITEC city, and the autowallahs will try and take you for a ride), use "Kitta Lete?". On a good day,they'll all be like "Oh..no..not another secunderabadi! He'll now bargain all day. Du'h.."
This advantage is monumental. You can almost feel him succumbing to you skills.



2.  Now, depending on his day, or the price of diesel, or the heat of Hyderabad, he may choose to give you a good deal or a bad one. (For eg, I have found that the fare from Kondapur to Bowenpally can range from 140 to over 250.) This is exactly where you seize the moment. Regardless of what he tells you, drop your jaw. Laugh for a second, shaking your head in utter disbelief. You can also use exclamatory comments like "150??? ek saww pachaas?? Mazaak karre ho?" Remember to be so loud that all overlooking drivers can assess the situation for a second.
nnaan oru roova thannaal athu 100 roova thanna maathiri..
Please dont overdo this. You may get slapped.


3.  Once you are done with the act, just walk away. The trick is to never negotiate with the first guy. Just reject him.

4.  Approach the next driver in line. Repeat step 1.

5.  If you peformed Steps 2 and 3 with reasonable efficiency, you now look like a no-nonsense guy to all drivers hanging around.The second guy you approach will give you a better deal.
There are always people who call your bluff, but just treat them with Step 3.

6.  You can do the above as many times as you want, depending on your energy levels.

7.  Once you decide on a fare, get in, murmuring that its a bad deal, and if it was by meter, it would've been 20 bucks less. Act like you are doing the auto-guy a favour. This way, he wont have second thoughts about asking you for more money later on.

Simple as it may sound, this is a very elaborate process, and by no measure an easy one.
A lot depends on your subtle variations. To stay ahead of the drivers all the time,you got to improvise.

I have tried this algorithm in other cities, and found it to be less effective.
For the following reasons:

Bangalore: Almost all drivers are mallus. And they have their unions.
You can go from Step 2 to Step 5 all day,and notice no change in the fare whatsoever.
They take no shit. Behind your back, you might also hear: "poda chekka.."

Kozhikode,Mumbai: Absolutely unnecessary. They go by the meter.
(Now working on a "mumbai taxi wallah" variant, which I expect to sell like mustangs)