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Thursday, May 19, 2011

of crocodiles, fart-rooms and the like

People who watched last night's Pune Vs KingsXI IPL match evidently missed a lot on Zee Cinema.

Shashi Kapoor(SK) and Shatrugnan Sinha(SS) fight a foreigner thug each(oh wait..they are just UP bhaiyyas in blonde Wigs and a lot of cuticura) with their bhabhi strapped to a curiously designed chair. Its a marvellous piece of furniture you know, that comes with a wirefree bomb, which waits to be activated-and thus fulfill its destiny-with the touch of a button by the tech-savvy villian, Shakaal.

Bhabhi's white sari betrays her relationship status.Evidently,the people involved are avenging the death of her husband.The hall, meanwhile, is getting filled with 'zehreela gas', as Shakaal puts it.

Shakaal, as a matter of fact, is known for his standards of personal grooming. Clean shaven face, skinhead,neatly done eyebrows and all.If there was any indian male doing his eyebrows in the 80's,that was Shakaal.Waxed hands? No,Cant be sure-He wore long-sleeves that day.

While the blonde wig waale bhaiyyas engage SK and SS, Amitabh Bhachan(AB) is set to perform the most daring feat of them all- fight a crocodile in the underground pool which is specially designed for such purposes. Second by second, the croc gets humiliated as AB plays such games as 'I have my hands around your mouth and you cant open it' and 'I've caught your tail buddy, and I'm twisting it'.  All 3 of SS,SK and AB fully immersed in their activities, leave Shakaal and bhabhi in the company of each other. Now, since bhabhi with her age and uni dimensional fashion sense is clearly a turn-off, a rape can be ruled out. On top of it, Shakaal appears gay. He is caught throwing glances as SK's shirt gets wet from the fight.
Finally, all is well - the thugs black out, Croco gets killed by accident, and Shakaal gets shot, the last two in acts of rage by AB( he's called the angry young man for nothing, you see). SS and SK, the real sidekicks get a share too. They aim for Shakaal's hands and shoulders, maiming him as AB gets his look in, and produces a straight shot, which any doctor would agree, damaged the left ventricle beyond repair.

Now all 4 pray peacefully for Shakaal's impending death, while he crawls slowly and touches something metallic.
Is it a gun?
Is it a bomb?
No, its the fucking self-destruction button, you idiots!

Dust falling from the roof and an earthquake like shake tell AB(the most intelligent of the lot) that its the time in Hindi movies for the party to make a quick escape. As they run away, the Bhabhi does her part, crying out loud as boulders continue to land inches from her feet.At the door that parts sideways with the turn of a valve, they finally meet the leading ladies in gypsy costume.Both fresh from getting rid of Shakaal's cohorts through the customary 'We'll-not-show-much-skin,and-no-bodytouchings-please' brand of cabaret dance. AB and SK hug their ladies; proximity of the bhabhi prevents further display of affection.
They all fly away, with AB manning a helicopter within a few seconds of first seeing it. Below them, Shakaal's dungeon breathes its last before turning into a ball of fire.

The End.

I once prayed for the bloody Doordarshan guys to play 'Shaan' again soon, because I had my exams and was not allowed to complete it the last time. AB and SK flying a helicopter was way too cool back then.15 years back.
Before the Sylvester stallones and Angelina Jolies came home though StarMovies and corrputed me
for life.
Guess who's a fan of Shakaal!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

how Hyderabad will be missed -life on 3 wheels

As I'm all set to leave this city, it'll be a crime not remembering the very people who, over the past two years have polished my negotiation skills - the rikshaw drivers of Hyderabad.

As a tribute, I'll now be sharing my copyrighted algorithm for bargaining on the auto fare.

1. Walk up to the first guy ( they mostly park their vehicles in a queue), tell him where you wanna go.(Bowenpally, for instance) He may confuse you with questions like "Bowenpally mein kahaan?". Ignore him, and just ask for the fare. One trick I have mastered is to do it in secunderabad lingo.
So, instead of "Fare kitna hoga?"( which is so HITEC city, and the autowallahs will try and take you for a ride), use "Kitta Lete?". On a good day,they'll all be like "Oh..no..not another secunderabadi! He'll now bargain all day. Du'h.."
This advantage is monumental. You can almost feel him succumbing to you skills.



2.  Now, depending on his day, or the price of diesel, or the heat of Hyderabad, he may choose to give you a good deal or a bad one. (For eg, I have found that the fare from Kondapur to Bowenpally can range from 140 to over 250.) This is exactly where you seize the moment. Regardless of what he tells you, drop your jaw. Laugh for a second, shaking your head in utter disbelief. You can also use exclamatory comments like "150??? ek saww pachaas?? Mazaak karre ho?" Remember to be so loud that all overlooking drivers can assess the situation for a second.
nnaan oru roova thannaal athu 100 roova thanna maathiri..
Please dont overdo this. You may get slapped.


3.  Once you are done with the act, just walk away. The trick is to never negotiate with the first guy. Just reject him.

4.  Approach the next driver in line. Repeat step 1.

5.  If you peformed Steps 2 and 3 with reasonable efficiency, you now look like a no-nonsense guy to all drivers hanging around.The second guy you approach will give you a better deal.
There are always people who call your bluff, but just treat them with Step 3.

6.  You can do the above as many times as you want, depending on your energy levels.

7.  Once you decide on a fare, get in, murmuring that its a bad deal, and if it was by meter, it would've been 20 bucks less. Act like you are doing the auto-guy a favour. This way, he wont have second thoughts about asking you for more money later on.

Simple as it may sound, this is a very elaborate process, and by no measure an easy one.
A lot depends on your subtle variations. To stay ahead of the drivers all the time,you got to improvise.

I have tried this algorithm in other cities, and found it to be less effective.
For the following reasons:

Bangalore: Almost all drivers are mallus. And they have their unions.
You can go from Step 2 to Step 5 all day,and notice no change in the fare whatsoever.
They take no shit. Behind your back, you might also hear: "poda chekka.."

Kozhikode,Mumbai: Absolutely unnecessary. They go by the meter.
(Now working on a "mumbai taxi wallah" variant, which I expect to sell like mustangs)