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Sunday, October 23, 2011

IIM Calcutta Student supports suicide!!!!

Have I caught your attention ?

A few pointers:
1. Pardon me for the search engine optimised title and curse the cameraman for the poor video quality.
2. The following is a speech I made to my batch as part of our Managerial Communication course. As far as the course handout goes, it is supposed to fall under the 'persuasive' category.
3. A lot of ppl seemed to like it, which is why I am sharing it now. I pray more of you find it good.
4. I dont expect anybody to commit suicide after listening to me. In the event of such a catastrophe,
I'll surely be  a)stunned
                     b)proud and
5. If the event mentioned in (4) happens, this will act as my legal disclaimer.
6. 5 looked like a bad number, so.

Hi, good morning.

I hate saying this on Camera: Immedietely after this lecture, you should all jump into the lake outside and end your lives.

Now, I say this with the firm conviction that there is no point living. Sages have said that life is full of joys and sorrows.  One clever look at this statement proves that all pleasure we get out of life will be cancelled out by sadness at some later point. So, finally if we get nothing, what is the point in continuing to live?
Some of you may disagree with me; you might want to tell me that we all look forward to our future. From mens' perspective, when we say future, we mean
a) money
b) female company.

According to Prof. Johny Roddick of School of Middlesex, since every girl has close to 100 fans, when she falls for a guy, she brings a lot of happiness into his life, inflicting sorrow on the 99 others. By this statistic, each guy has 99 heartbreaks for each success. Now this, clearly is not a good proposition, and  certainly not something to look forward to.

As for money, I neednt tell you how money is not created, but merely transferred. For every penny you make, there is somebody who loses it. The law of averages will finally catch up with you, like it did with Harbhajan Singh and Gautam Gambhir, although in a different context. Life, as we know it, is a zero sum game. So, if you have led a happy life so far, this is the right time to end it. The risks involved in continuing are way too high. Like Sir Issac Newton said, "I call it gravity, but the truth is, earth sucks".

Why did the mallu sledge? simmbly..
We have been taught that only cowards commit suicide. Needless to tell you, this statement has a lot of historical inaccuracies. Socrates, Kurt Cobain, Adolf Hitler and fairly recently, Master Oogway of Kungfu Panda - Mind you, these were all very brave men....or animals for that matter. Suicide, in fact requires a lot of courage. Any suggestion to the contrary is a clever ploy by the multinationals who want to keep us alive and sell their products. Apple computers, Microsoft, Adult Friend Finder - to name a few.

I now see many surprised faces in the audience. Some of you are even smiling. I understand that my ideas havent really sunk in. But, let me tell you, the last time i delivered this speech, at the University of Maddington, people were a lot more accomodating. Two hours into my lecture, a fine lady jumped out of the window. Three others interpreted my words in an alternate fashion, and tried to kill me.

How long do I have to wait? sob...
I can now connect with you because I was once just like you. I remember the day when my ex girlfriend told me that I should kill myself. I sat wondering for a while, but finally came to my senses, and here I am.

My lecture cannot be complete without acknowledging the work of a modern day proponent of this theory - Mr ShantaKumaran Sreeshanth, who once tried very hard to get killed by the likes of Mathew Hayden and Andrew Symonds. The kid has some taste, I must say.

To conclude, I quote the immortal words of Metallica: Die, Die, My darling, Die.


  1. Noufbhai, long time!!! Hws Nigeria? NITC just refuses to get out of me...

  2. kollam..nalla sargavasana...

  3. Shortlist onnum ith vare kittathath kondu tharangam srishtikkan oru padu free time undu..